Can you guys see my protected post before this? I posted it one minute ago~

i had 'eat dinner with the family every chance you get' as a new years resolution. i'm wondering at this point whether it's a joke or not.

right now, i am purposely skipping out on dinner because things usually go like this:

1. my sister, despite me telling her repeatedly since she was like, three or four, still puts her elbows on the table. and she picks her face, and her nose, and her ears at the dinner table. and she doesn't do the shit my mom tells her to do prior to dinner, like setting a cup of water on the table. which has been a norm since, like, fucking forever.

2. my brother doesn't know how to shut up. or sit down in the middle of his seat. and he spits stuff and gags when he giggle despite our telling him STFU.

3. my dad doesn't really do it anymore, thankfully, but he used to chew with his mouth open all the time. can't really blame him-- it was a norm where he was from, so it's kind of hard to get that out of your head after doing for like, a billion years, before your kid tells you its rude in Western culture.

4. my mom has dentures that click when she chews. don't really care about that-- can't be helped. it's mostly the yelling at my brother to stop being annoying that gets me. well, no, not mostly. more like entirely.

... -___-; See, the weird thing is, the elbow thing doesn't turn me off when other people do it except my siblings. The chewing with your mouth open thing though, annoys me with everyone hahaha. A pet peeve, surely.

So much weird shit going on in my head lately. I love it. It's that span of time where I'm just crazy grateful for being alive.

I don't understand why it took me so long to realize my flesh and bone, my reality. To realize that there was nothing wrong with listening to Johnny Cash or 80s and 90s cheese bops. That there's nothing wrong with being brutally honest if your intentions are good. People who can't handle the truth are going to have to learn eventually. Realism is not a sin. Silence is, only if it saves you from waking an angry mother.

Something else that I've finally come to admit to myself is that I have a way with words. Not a fantastical, marvelous, unbelievable way with words-- I just have a way. I've always denied being a writer, but holy shit, what a lie. I love writing poetry, short stories, creating worlds. Same goes for my ability to draw I guess. At the end of the day, talent rules over modesty, but only by a little bit. A decibel. Is that the measurement units for sound? Hahaha-- proof that I am no scientist.

Tired eyes, with a need for tired thighs (in an innocent way, ha!) I need some exercise. I'm having this odd dilemma where I want to lose weight-- but only in my face? Oh, life. Why are you making me ask these questions, haha.

And I've been having half-flashbacks. I'll look at blades of grass from afar-- just little tufts of 'em, like at Phibbs Exchange-- and I'll momentarily be zapped back to grade 12 when I was having lunch out on the Temp green fields, playground side, eating sushi with Council-mates, a break from preparing for a dance. I'll be reading Naruto and I'll inspired like I was in grade two, when I was totally consumed by Pokemon, and later on in my life, Digimon, and just how fantastic the worlds were. And then I'll be putting on foundation and I'll remember my darker days, my destructive days of picking apart my reflection to looks something like the diagrams of IKEA furniture parts, when they're all laid out in picture form, with addition of mean little bubble comments.

Things are odd in here, and I feel that I'm losing and slipping a little. I'm not studying as much as I should and I've been floating lately. I need to stop soon and pull my shit together, but I just feel so... Floaty.

More to come; later days,

- K